Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Call Me Ishmael

I have decided that I like this blogging thing. I like it and I like the outlet it gives me. I like it and I don't want to share it.

To this point my blog has been pretty anonymous. I have decidedly not put my real name on this blog. I have also decidedly not put anyone else's real name on my blog. This is not to avoid stalkers or anything like that. I have not told anyone in my real life about this blog. I do not want to share it.

Though to be fair I have been using real initials for people, including myself. And today I decided that should stop. Today I decided that I want to make darn sure no one in my real life could look at this blog and recognize the initials and go oh hey this is her blog. I don't want a friend or family member or coworker to walk up to me and go are you K? I want to keep my anonymity. I want to keep my blog separate from people I know.

I suppose you could say that I am hiding. And in a way I am. But I just do not want to have to deal with all the drama I think would come from people in my life reading my blog. I do not want to feel like I have to censor myself or tiptoe around subjects being afraid of backlash. I want to be me, all me, all the time. I do not want to have to worry about my mother reading this and being disapproving of anything I post here. I do not want my boyfriend reading this and getting upset with me for sharing personal things. (Though to be fair I do not think he would mind one bit. If I told anyone that I blog, I would tell him.) I do not want friends or family or coworkers approaching me upset because they felt like I depicted them wrongly, or hurt that I spoke my mind. Currently I do not really post anything negative that people could get upset with me about. But I do not want to have to hold myself back later on just because I know they read my blog and might get upset.

I know that I should not care what other people think and I should post exactly what I want to post. But, I just can't do it. If I knew that people in my real life read my blog I would always be wondering what they thought about me and if I hurt their feelings. Plus sometimes you need to vent and get things out of your system. It is not necessarily gossip, but it is something you would not normally say to a person's face. It is something that once you have talked about, you get over and it doesn't matter anymore. It is something I would not post if I knew they might read it or hear about it. Theoretically it is something I should just not post at all. And I can't do that to myself. I can't censor this blog. I just don't want to.

You can fuss at me for hiding my real self from the people I know. But I don't see this blog as hiding my real self. I think I am usually my real self, just my real self who knows there is such a thing as tact. And if I am ever not my total, complete, true self well then those are my issues to deal with. And maybe I am not ready to deal with them yet. Maybe I am still discovering who I really am and posting on this blog is my testing ground. I want to be free to post everything I want to post. I want to be able to write things I normally might not say. I want to be able to express myself and not worry about what other people think of me. Maybe one day I will get to the point where I tell people about this blog and will be able to not worry about what they think. But I am so not even close to that yet.

So the whole entire point of this was to say that I think I need a new name. I need a name that has nothing to do with my real name. I need a name that no one in my real life would recognize. But I still need to be willing to answer to it in the blogosphere. I need a new persona. I need to find something that just feels right. A name that I can embrace and make real and make my own.

I am having a hard time coming up with something. I had a hard time naming this blog in the first place. I know I will come up with something soon. And if you have suggestions I would be happy to hear them. I might not even settle on a new name right away. I hope I don't go through too many. I do not want to confuse those few people who might actually read me too much. I think whatever I choose for my own name will probably stick the first time I use it. The new name for R might be more difficult for me to settle on. So if in the future you see funny names you don't recognize I hope they still make sense to you. And just know that I should sort all this out soon. I hope.

1 comment:

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

I started my blog 2 years ago - and kept it a secret for about 6 months, until I had felt that I had gotten my "feet wet". Then I told my family and friends. Now even my friends husbands and my husbands co-workers read! Which is great on one hand (ego boost) but I definitely have to censor myself, which sucks.
So no writing about sex, in-laws or bikini waxes on my blog. Unfortunately.